out with the old
and in with something that is hopefully better than what i've experienced in the last year
The other day my roommate received a letter in the mail from her aunt that was part of an annual tradition. Each year she sits down and types up a recap of what has happened throughout the year, and then she mails it off to all of her friends and family. I think there is something kind of powerful about sitting down to write a letter about the happenings in your life to send around to the people in it. You are the historian of your own life. You control your own narrative.
And while I think I’m a little too late this year to get a physical letter in the mail, I’ve decided to send you my 2025 letter via Substack. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life. For those of you that believe in astrology, I entered my Saturn return this year. So far that has translated into 9 months of unemployment, a really difficult break up, and moving back to Philadelphia.
I’m interested to see what 2026 brings because somehow I don’t think things could truly get any worse. On New Years Eve last year, I was wildly optimistic, roaming around the Lower East Side of Manhattan, and then I got a call from my dad. My grandmother had died and I needed to be home before Monday for her funeral. I will forever be grateful for the gay working at IFC Center who comped me into Wallace & Gromit and Eraserhead when I went to see if I could exchange my tickets for the Gregg Araki screening that I would have to miss for my grandma’s funeral.
January, February, and March all blurred together, if I’m being honest. In April, I regained consciousness after moving back to Philadelphia for the first time in 4 years. I tried to get back in touch with the creative part of myself that seemed to die at the end of 2024 by slowing down my process and trying to find pleasure in the act of creating rather than the output of creating.
I found myself gravitating towards more analog, physical, and interactive practices. Instead of picking up my camera, I was trying to make photographs with chemicals, sunlight, and random objects in my backyard. I continued to work on various sculptures made of clay, tinfoil, spackle, and plastic gemstones. I wanted to see the world in way that made more sense to me than the current world we are living in.
By the time fall rolled around, I was finally employed again after 9 long months of collecting unemployment and a small stint “freelancing.” I was determined to find employment by September, because not having health insurance and a stable source of income was not an ideal situation for me, but it was also important that I be employed by September so that I could afford to go to NYFF for the second year in a row. I managed to achieve my goal of going to NYFF and then some; I went to three film festivals in two different cities in the span of 4 weeks.
I also won a “performative cinephile” contest sponsored by PFS and had my review of If I Had Legs I’d Kick You published on their Letterboxd.
As I close out 2025, I’m grateful for the kindness of friends and strangers. Even though this year was an overly difficult one, my life still feels full because I have experienced so many things and I have so many great people around me. While my bank account may still be recovering from 9 months of unemployment, I feel rich because of all of my lovely friends (new and old).
Tonight is the end of 2025, and I couldn’t be more ready for it to be over. I’m not really one for resolutions, but I’ve decided that 2026 is going to be the year that I stop letting fear and anxiety hold me back from my creative pursuits.
I’ve had a lot going on this year. The general state of the world, and the fact that I haven’t had the insurance or money to keep up with my prozac prescription have also contributed a lot to my anxiety and inability to create.
I also feel a certain way about holding myself to some kind of creative standard. I don’t like to force myself to create, for some reason that feels less authentic to me. But this year I’ve come to learn that if I don’t hold myself to some kind of creative standard I’m going to find myself in the position that I am in right now: one where I am disappointed in the amount of times I’ve picked up my camera this year. It’s not about forcing myself to have a quota for creative output. Instead it’s about rediscovering the joy I once had for having a camera in my hand.
Anyways, I’m looking forward to waking up tomorrow in a new year with the same people. I hope all of you dear friends and readers end 2025 on a good note, and start 2026 off on an even better one!
xoxo